Problems that may be encountered by parents after the death of their baby Prepared by AMEND Counseling Service, St. Louis, Missouri Seeing and Holding the Baby Naming the Baby Taking a Picture Momentos Autopsy Burial or Memorial Service Twins Fathers Reactions of Family and Friends Grandparents Siblings God's Will, Punishment and Angels Anniversary of the Baby's Birth and Death No One Ever Forgets Their Baby That Died Seeing and Holding the Baby If possible, parents are generally encouraged to see and hold their baby. Many times fear about the baby?s appearance causes the parents distress. Usually seeing the baby is not as upsetting as imagining what the baby looked like. Caregivers need to provide families with information about the baby?s condition. With this information, the parents are better able to make a decision on seeing and holding their baby. back to top Naming the Baby Parents should be encouraged to name their baby. If they have referred to the baby by a special name (Joseph/Amy) throughout the pregnancy, then encouragement should be given to use that special name for this baby. Naming their baby makes this baby an individual, not just the baby that died. Sometimes parents choose not to name their baby, and they need to know that?s all right, too. back to top Taking a Picture Even though taking pictures has become an important part of hospital protocol following a perinatal loss, to many it may still seem morbid. The majority of parents who have pictures find them to be a source of great comfort. Though some parents cannot look at the pictures immediately, as time passes these images can become their most prized possessions. back to top Momentos It is important that momentos or remembrances of their baby are made available to parents. These can be pictures, foot or hand prints, lock of hair, memorial card, hospital Birth Certificate, Certificate of Baptism (if requested), bracelet, ultrasound picture, crib card, and/or blanket in which the baby was wrapped. back to top Autopsy The parents should be encouraged to have an autopsy performed. Some parents begin to think they may have done something that in some way contributed to their baby's death. In many cases, having an autopsy performed helps to alleviate these guilt feelings. back to top Burial or Memorial Service Both parents need to participate as much as possible in preparing for the burial service for their baby. At times, the mother is still in the hospital when the baby is buried. Most funeral homes will work with the parents in accommodating their needs, such a delaying the service until the mother is physically able to participate. Often the father and grandparents will make all the funeral arrangements, feeling that the mother is not emotionally or physically able. However, this can be a source of resentment years later. back to top Twins When one twin lives and the other dies, what most people usually say is "be grateful that you still have one baby." The parents are grateful, but still have the need to grieve for the baby that died. They also need for others to acknowledge the fact that they had two babies, not just one. back to top Fathers Fathers are probably the most misunderstood of all. Many times the mother feels the father is not showing any feelings or emotions about the baby's death. She begins to wonder if he really wanted this baby, or even cares that the baby died. Most men feel they must be the strong one. To show their real feelings or emotions would make them less than a man. The American male has been taught not to cry or show his emotions in front of others. What some men need is permission to cry. They need to be told it is all right to show their emotions. Many times, a father's sense of gratitude for the mother's health and safety is stronger than his emotion of grief over the death of the baby. It is extremely important for the father to share these feelings. Statistics show many relationships can break up as a result of the death of a baby. Instead of the baby's death bringing parents closer, it can pull them further apart. back to top Reactions of Family and Friends At times, family and friends will not even mention the baby in front of the parents. They feel to do so would upset them. The parents then begin to wonder if anyone really cares that their baby has died. Parents usually have to be the ones to initiate talk about their baby. Remember, if the parents cry, it is not because you made them cry; it is because you let them cry. back to top Grandparents Grandparents also grieve. They grieve for their grandchild that died, but they also hurt for their own child who is suffering the loss of his or her baby. back to top Siblings Children, even the very young, should be included in any plans pertaining to the baby. Most young children cannot verbalize their feelings or fears about what happened to the baby, and why the baby will not be coming home. It is up to the parents to explain what has happened, and to assure the child that he/she had nothing to do with what happened. Children can feel guilty, especially if they really did not want a new brother or sister. back to top God's Will, Punishment and Angels These can be very real problems that are felt by some parents.For a non- believer, it may bring about the finding of God and religion. For a religious person, it may be the beginning of doubting lifelong beliefs. Many times parents may feel God is punishing them for something they did in the past. As human beings, we have no control over "life and death." In many cases, the reason for the baby's death is never known. Accepting this as God's will can be a real comfort for some parents; for others it becomes a reason for anger and bitterness. Parents are not prepared to have an angel. What they want is a real, live baby. To tell parents they have an angel in heaven may be comforting to some. To others, it may not be comforting at all, especially if they do not believe in angels. back to top Anniversary of the Baby's Birth and Death By the end of the first year, most parents feel they have their feelings and emotions under control. As the anniversary of their baby's birth and death approaches, parents can experience all the memories, along with all the feelings and emotions that accompanied the death of their baby. These memories can return year after year. Special events are always remembered with, "If only Mary were alive, she would be. . .starting school, Sweet Sixteen, going to her first prom, graduating from high school and college, getting married. back to top No One Ever Forgets Their Baby That Died This baby is remembered as their "Special Baby." back to top